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So I won't go into details about my childhood trauma, but in short, a very (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally) abusive parent caused me to have incredibly low self-esteem, self worth, and a self loathing mindset. I was frequently made to feel that I wouldn't amount to anything, I heard the phrase "you'd be better off dead" constantly as a kid, and as an adult I've realized it was really just my father projecting his own issues, but it still messed me up. Fast forward, I'm now 32 and for the most part, have "healed". I know I have value, I have things that I'm good at, I'm really good at what I do for work, and the mindset that I'm worthless doesn't affect me like that anymore.

However, dating, specifically rejection is a huge trigger. I've only asked out one women in my entire life, almost 10 years ago. I was rejected, but it felt like so much more than that. Like it just brought back every feeling of worthlessness that was instilled me as a kid. As if it validated everything my father made me think and feel. It set back my self-esteem and self-worth so much so, and in the last 10ish years I've tried really hard to rebuild it.

And that's where I am today. My mental health seems fine, I have things that I know are good about me, I know I have a measure of value. The problem is, I want to date, marry, start a family, etc, but I just fear that another rejection would just hit me like that one from 10 years ago, and would just shatter what I've built mentally.

My trauma doesn't affect me in other avenues of life; I'm stable, I have it together, but not with dating. I'm not currently on meds or in therapy (I've spent a majority of my life on meds/in therapy, with mixed results) and am not really looking to go back on those types of treatment.

So I guess I'm just venting, looking for any practical advice, similar experiences, I don't know. Thanks Y'all.